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• Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.
• Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
• Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop". And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
• Enjoy the simple things.
• Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
• The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be alive while you are alive.
• Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
• Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
• Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but not to where the guilt is.
• Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity and always remember: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
  
  If you don't send this to at least 8 people ... who cares? ~George Carlin

One-Liners, Quotes, Bumper Stickers, Facts, Truisms:

• 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
• 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence? ~Steven Wright
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• 640K is enough memory for everyone. ~Bill Gates, 1986
• 90% of the time I'm right, so why worry about the other 3%.
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

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• A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory .
• A bird in hand is worth 10lbs of feed. ~Bhashkar A. Deonandan
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
• A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five. ~Groucho Marx
• A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
• A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
• A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
• A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for the coffin. ~H.L. Mencken
• A day without sunshine is like night.
• A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. ~Frank Lloyd Wright
• A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. ~Josh Billings
• A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. ~Robert Benchley
• A dream that is not understood is like a letter that is unopened. ~Carl Jung
• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
• A fool and his money are soon partying.
• A friend is someone who likes you in spite of yourself.
• A friend loves you for your intelligence, a mistress for your charm, but your family's love is unreasoning; you were born into it and are of its flesh and blood. Nevertheless it can irritate you more than any group of people in the world. ~André Maurois
• A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
• A generation ago, most people finished a day's work and needed a rest. Now they need exercise.
• A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
• A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
• A lady inserted an ‘ad' in the classifieds: Husband wanted. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine".
• A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a "brief". ~Franz Kafka
• A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying".
• A little consideration, a little thought for others, makes all the difference. Or so they say. ~Eyeore
• A man is like an unloaded gun. Pretty *&@$%# useless.
• A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.
• A man never discloses his own character so clearly as when he describes another's. ~Jean Paul Richter
• A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.
• A man who says marriage is a 50/50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1) Women and 2) Fractions.
• A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
• A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
• A man's idea of serious commitment is usually "Oh alright, I'll stay the night".
• A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. ~Charles R. Darwin
• A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the ass.
• A PBS mind in an MTV world.
• A person who didn't drink had no idea of the timing necessary to be a successful host. ~Peter McGarr, The Death of an Irish Poitician
• A person who smiles in the face of adversity ... probably has a scapegoat.
• A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
• A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
• A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
• A rattlesnake that doesn't bite teaches you nothing ~Jessamyn West, The Life I Really Lived
• A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out. ~Walter Winchell
• A real friend isn't someone you use once and throw away. A real friend is someone you can use again and again.
• A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
• A shot in the glass in better than one in the ass.
• A sign of an approaching nervous breakdown is thinking that one's work is terribly important.
• A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
• A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh" ~Conan O'Brien
• A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of. ~Burt Bacharach
• A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
• A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
• A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad ~Christopher Case
• A woman said to Winston Churchill "If you were my husband I would give you poison". Churchill replied, "If you were my wife I would take it". ~Author Unknown
• A woman's favourite position is CEO.
• Ability is of little account without opportunity. ~Napoleon Bonaparte
• According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
• "Advice is like snow; the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind." ~Samuel Coleridge
• After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere, you may be dead.
• After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you". She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice".
• After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises, And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans. And you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you the flowers. ~Anon
• After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
• After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
• After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an auto accident it makes you wonder about history.
• Age doesn't always bring wisdom, Sometimes age comes alone.
• Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
• Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.
• Agony: Not all pain is gain.
• Ahhh, I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
• Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
• Alea jacta est ~Julius Caesar (It's in Latin, and means The Die is Cast. You say it after you have done something and can't get out of it)
• All generalizations are false.
• All men are idiots ... I married their king.
• All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income ~Samuel Butler
• All the world's a stage, but we'll pass through it someday.
• All stressed out and no one to choke.
• All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
• Allow me to introduce my selves.
• Almost all our faults are more pardonable than the methods we think up to hide them. ~La Rochefoucauld
• Always acknowledge a time.
• Always be a first-rate version of yourself instead of a second-rate version of somebody else. ~Judy Garland
• Always remember to pillage before you burn.
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
• Always yield to temptation because it may not pass your way again.
• Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
• An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. ~Laurence J. Peter
• An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
• And on the eighth day God said, "OK, Murphy, take over".
• And which dwarf are you?
• And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
• Anger is only one letter short of danger.
• Animals are such agreeable friends -- they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms.
• Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
• Anyone who has a library and a garden wants for nothing. ~Cicero
• Anything free is worth exactly what you pay for it.
• Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.
• Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw. ~Anonymous
• Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
• Art is a detour through which dreams find their way back to reality.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• As for me, I labour always to prepare a way for those willing to follow. ~Samuel de Champlin
• As I said before, I never repeat myself!
• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
• At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
• At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all, I just can't remember it all.
• At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man".
• Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
• Avoid quiet and placid persons unless you are in need of sleep. ~National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"

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• Back off! You're standing in my aura!
• Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
• Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, But beautiful old people are works of art.
• Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and you suck forever. ~Anonymous
• Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. ~Benjamin Franklin
• Before you criticize someone walk a mile in his shoes. That way if he gets angry he'll be a mile away and barefoot.
• Better living through denial.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Black holes are where God divided by zero.
• Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
• Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
• Books ... a nice change from reading prescription labels. ~Maxine
• Born free ... Taxed to death.
• Bottomless pit of needs and wants.
• Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
• By losing present time, we lose all time.
• By the time you can make ends meet they move the ends.
• By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence!

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• C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
• Can I trade this job for what's behind Door 1?
• Can it be a mistake that STRESSED is DESSERTS spelled backwards?
• Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
• Cat's Motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
• Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia. ~Joseph Wood Krutch
• Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. ~Jeff Valdez
• Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit. ~John S. Nichols
• Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want ~Joseph Wood Krutch
• Caution: I drive like you do.
• Change happens, anticipate change, monitor change, adapt to change quickly. Change ... enjoy it again and again ... it's all about attitude!
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
• Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
• Charity not only in deed -- but also in thought -- helps the world go round. ~Horace
• Chronic remorse is a most undesirable sentiment ... Rolling in the mud is not the best way of getting clean ~Aldous Huxley
• Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.
• Clear skies are not afraid of thunder. ~Sophia Seventikidis (a dear friend)
• Cleverness is not wisdom. ~Euripides
• Clones are people two.
• Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
• Cocaine is God's way of telling you you've got too much money. ~Sting
• Coffee, Chocolate, Men -- some things are just better rich.
• Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to be appointed to do the work.
• Common sense is genius dressed in its working clothes. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
• Common sense is not common. ~Will Rogers
• Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
• Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all.
• Cool off in the same skin you heated up in. ~Old Irish saying
• Corollary: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
• Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
• Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
• Creative minds always have been known to survive any kind of bad training. ~Anna Freud
• Crooked as a dog's hind leg.

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• Dance like no one's watching, love like you'll never be hurt, sing like no one's listening, live like it's heaven on earth. ~William Pukey
• Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. ~Steven Wright
• Death to all fanatics.
• Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
• Deja Moo: the feeling that you've heard this bull before.
• Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.
• Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. ~Mark Twain (1835-1910)
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
• Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
• Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives. ~Sue Murphy
• Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?
• Did you know that applicants seeking routine jobs at the atomic bomb development ‘Manhattan Project' facilities near Los Alamos, New Mexico between 1942 and 1945 were automatically disqualified if they were literate?
• Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
• Diplomacy is the art of postponing inevitable decisions for as long as possible. ~Beuben Slonim
• Diplomacy--the art of letting someone have your way.
• Discover wildlife! Have kids!
• Do I look like a freakin' people person?
• Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
• Do not be too normal. You may cheat yourself out of so much life.
• Do not learn more than you absolutely need to get through life.
• Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer ~Bruce Graham
• Do not mess in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with catsup.
• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
• Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
• Do they ever shut up on your planet?
• Does this condom make me look fat?
• Does your train of thought have a caboose?
• Dogs are not our whole lives, but they make our lives whole. ~Roger Carras
• Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God. ~Ernest Hemingway
• Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later. ~Mary Bly
• Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. ~Dave Barry
• Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
• Doing a job right the first time gets the job done. Doing the job wrong fourteen times gives you job security.
• Do not follow where the path may lead--go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.
• Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
• Don't be afraid to take a big step if one is indicated. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. ~David Lloyd George
• Don't be dismayed at good-byes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends. ~Richard Bach
• Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
• Don't byte off more than you can view.
• Don't imagine you can change a man -- unless he's in diapers.
• Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something. ~last words of Pancho Villa (1877–1923)
• Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you. ~Leroy ‘Satchel' Paige
• Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were give to Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Helen Keller, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein. ~H. Jackson Brown Jr.
• Don't spit in the sky because it will always hit you in the face.
• Don't squat with your spurs on.
• Don't steal, the government hates competition.
• Don't talk about yourself, it will be done when you leave. ~Addison Mizner
• Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
• Don't wait for your ship to come in; swim out to it.
• Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.
• Dost thou think, because thou art late to the party, there shall be no more ice cream and cake?
• Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die tomorrow. ~James Dean
• Drink until she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
• Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
• Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners. ~E. Joseph Cossman
• Drugs may lead nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
• Duct tape is like the Force. It has a dark side, and it has a light side, and it holds the universe together. However, it looks silly holding the wrapping on a birthday present.
• Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. ~Carl Zwanzig

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• Each day I am with you is better than the last, and my first day with you was the best day of my life. ~Author Unknown
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. ~Steven Wright
• Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. ~Steven Wright
• Earth is full. Go home.
• Eat one live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
• Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
• Eeyore, the old grey Donkey, stood by the side of the stream and looked at himself in the water. ‘Pathetic,' he said. 'That's what it is. Pathetic.' He turned and walked slowly down the stream for twenty yards, splashed across it, and walked slowly back on the other side. Then he looked at himself in the water again. 'As I thought,' he said. 'No better from this side.'
• Eighty percent of success is showing up. ~Woody Allen
• Empty barrels make the most noise.
• Energizer bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
• Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
• Ever consider what dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! ~Anne Tyler
• Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
• Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
• Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work ~Robert Orben
• Every ending is part of a beginning. ~Jan Lloyd
• Every friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born. ~Anais Nin
• Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit. ~Elbert Hubbard
• Every man is afraid of something. That's how you know he loves you, when he's afraid of losing you. ~Author Unknown
• Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
• Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till the feeling passes.
• Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
• Everybody repeat after me ... We are all individuals.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. ~Steven Wright
• Everything can be filed under miscellaneous.
• Everything that can be invented has been invented. ~Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899
• Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work. ~John G. Pollard
• Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• Experience is the sinking feeling you have made this mistake before.

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• Failure is an event, never a person. ~William D. Brown
• Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently. ~Henry Ford
• Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic table without looking to see whether the seeds move.
• Families are like fudge. mostly sweet with a few nuts.
• Fax is stranger than fiction.
• Fear of losing is what makes competitors so great. Show me a gracious loser and I'll show you a permanent loser. ~O.J. Simpson
• Few women admit their age: Fewer men act it.
• First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, Closed.
• Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
• Flatterers always live at the expense of the one who listens.
• Follow your dreams! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
• Following the rules will not get the job done.
• Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I can't even get into my pants.
• Footprints in the sand were not made by sitting down.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
• Forbidden fruit is responsible for many bad jams.
• Forget about World Peace ... Visualize using your turn signal.
• Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. ~JFK
• Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
• Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly. ~anonymous
• Friends help you move, real friends help you move bodies.
• Friends--lovers that might have been. ~Robert Browning
• Friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.
• Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
• Friends, you and me ... You brought another friend ... And then there were 3 ... We started our group ... Our circle of friends ... And like that circle ... There is no beginning or end.
• Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words.
• From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. ~Groucho Marx
• From the moon, knowledge. ~Apollo 13 team
• Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
• Futility: You'll always miss 100% of the shots your don't take, and, statistically speaking, 99% of the shots you do.

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• Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade.
• Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
• Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
• Give me one friend, just one, who meets the needs of all my varying moods. ~Esther M. Clark
• Go ahead and take risks ... just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
• Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
• Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
• Go to bed. Whatever you're staying up late for isn't worth it. ~Andrew A. Rooney
• God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
• Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
• Gravity is a myth -- the earth sucks.
• Great groups from little icons grow.
• Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. ~Admiral Hyman G. Rickover
• Growing old is inevitable; growing up is optional.
• Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

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• Half of the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. ~George Eliot
• Half the people you know are below average.
• Handle every situation like a dog. If you can't eat it or screw it, piss on it and walk away.
• Hang in there, retirement is only a million years away!
• Hang up and drive!
• Hard to tell from its looks how far a frog will jump.
• Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. ~George Burns
• Happiness is where it is found, and rarely where it is sought.
• Hard to tell from its look how far a frog will jump.
• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
• Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts. ~Charles Dickens
• Have you ever started to say something and then for...
• Have you ever stopped to think, and forgot to start again?
• He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion. ~Unknown
• He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you ... He really is an idiot. ~Groucho Marx
• He who hesitates is probably right.
• He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
• He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses much more; He who loses faith, loses all.
• Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. ~Mark Twain
• Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
• Hell is a half-filled auditorium. ~Robert Frost
• Home is where the house is.
• Home is where you hang your @.
• Honk if you want to see my finger.
• Horn broken, watch for finger.
• Horse sense is what horses have to stop them from betting on what people do.
• How about never? Is never good for you?
• How can I miss you if you won't go away?
• How come abbreviated is such a long word?
• How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
• How do I set the laser printer to stun?
• How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
• How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? ~Steven Wright
• How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in your life you will have been all of these. ~George Washington Carver
• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands...
• How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
• How prophetic L'Enfnet was when he laid out Washington as a city that goes around in circles. ~John Mason Brown
• How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
• How would you like a job where, every time you make a mistake, a big red light would come on and 18,000 people boo? ~Jacques Plante

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• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. ~Steven Wright
• I always wanted to be a procrastinator; I never got around to it.
• I am extraordinarily patient provided I get my own way in the end. ~Margaret Thatcher
• I am in shape, and yes, round is a shape.
• I am not afraid of heights – I'm afraid of widths.
• I am not young enough to know everything. ~Oscar Wilde
• I am only as strong as the coffee I drink, the hairspray I use and the friends I have.
• I am out of Estrogen and I have a gun.
• I am passing this on to you. It is definitely working for me. I think I have found inner peace. I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things I had started. Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie, a bottle of wine and a small box of chocolate candy. I feel better already. Pass this along to those who need Inner Peace.
• I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. ~Ellen DeGeneres
• I asked my parents if I was a gifted child ... they said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
• I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
• I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
• I brake for no apparent reason.
• I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to. ~Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece
• I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
• I cannot control the wind. However, I can adjust my sails.
• I cleaned my house yesterday. Sure wish you could have seen it.
• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. ~Galileo Galilei
• I do not look to the future ... it comes soon enough. ~Einstein
• I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
• I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
• I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
• I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. ~Elvis Presley
• I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
• I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
• I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
• I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better. ~Plutarch
• I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.
• I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
• I don't want the cheese, I just want to get out of the trap. ~Latin American Proverb
• I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well. ~Diane Ackerman
• I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
• I doubt, therefore I might be.
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
• I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
• I forget what I was taught. I only remember what I have learned. ~P.White, The Solid Mandala
• I fought the lawn and the lawn won.
• I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
• I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
• I got a fortune cookie that said, 'To remember is to understand.' I have never forgotten it. A good judge remembers what it was like to be a lawyer. A good editor remembers being a writer. A good parent remembers what it was like to be a child. ~Anna Quindlen, Author and Columnist
• I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.
• I hate everybody, and you're next.
• I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
• I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
• I have found at my age going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
• I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
• I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. ~Mark Twain
• I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
• I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. ~Hippolyte Taine
• I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
• I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of William Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon. ~Bill Hirst
• I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
• I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
• I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?" ~Larry Miller
• I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
• I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class. ~George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach
• I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
• I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
• I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. ~August Strindberg
• I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. ~Walt Disney
• I love ROCK 'N ROLL! I memorized the all WORDS to "WIPE-OUT" in 1965! ~Zippy the Pinhead
• I love standards, there are so many to choose from.
• I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
• I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book. ~Groucho Marx
• I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. ~Groucho Marx
• I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school. ~Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements
• I plead contemporary insanity.
• I prefer to remain an enigma.
• I pretend to work and they pretend to pay me.
• I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
• I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
• I souport publik edekashun.
• I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
• I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
• I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. ~Thoms Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943
• I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I wanted a paycheque.
• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
• I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
• I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
• I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar ... I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar.
• I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
• I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time".
• I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
• I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that it took seven others to beat him!
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
• I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
• I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. ~Rita Rudner
• I wonder what goes through a dog's mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl. ~Penny Ward Moser
• I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
• I would rather have played for the Leafs than be prime minister of Canada. ~former PM Lester Pearson
• I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. ~Steven Wright
• I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
• I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
• "I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class. Especially since I rule." ~Randal "Clerks"
• I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
• I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
• I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.
• I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
• I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
• I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
• I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
• I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
• I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
• I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
• I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
• I'm working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
• If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
• If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
• If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
• If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z. X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. ~Albert Einstein
• If all the young ladies at the Yale prom were laid end to end, no one would be the least surprised. ~Dorothy Parker
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
• If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.
• If Barbie is so popular, how come you have to buy her friends? ~Steven Wright
• If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
• If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
• If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
• If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him chequebooks.
• If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practising.
• If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. ~James Thurber
• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
• If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
• If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
• If it's called tourist season, why can't we hunt them?
• If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
• If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
• If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
• If not us, who? If not now, when? ~Ronald Reagan
• If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.
• If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil.
• If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, Quit while you're ahead?
• If someone betrays you once, it is his fault; If he betrays you twice, it is your fault.
• If stretching was wealth, cats would be rich.
• If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
• If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
• If they put a man on the moon–they should be able to put them all there.
• If we are what we eat. I'm fast, cheap and easy.
• If we did the things we are capable of, we would astound ourselves. ~Thomas Edison
• If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
• If you ain't making waves, you ain't kicking hard enough!
• If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
• If you are going through hell, keep going. ~Winston Churchill
• >If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
• If you are going to walk on thin ice you might as well dance.
• If you can read this, I am braking.
• If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
• If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
• If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
• If you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly.
• If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?
• If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
• If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
• If you disturb Nature, Nature disturbs you.
• If you haven't heard the town gossip by 11a.m., you're it.
• If you haven't much education, you must use your brain.
• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
• If you look like your passport picture you probably need the trip.
• If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, It will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free ... you either married it or gave birth to it.
• If you make a mistake today you will be wiser tomorrow.
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried.
• If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
• If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
• If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
• If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
• If you're not living on the edge ... you're taking up too much room.
• I'm not mad, just not particularly well balanced. ~Rufus Sewell
• In America, anyone can be President. That's one of the risks you take.
• In dog years, I'm dead.
• In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
• In life we either follow paths or make trails.
• In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat who will ignore him.
• In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.
• In the end we will conserve only what we love. We will love only what we understand. We will understand only what we are taught. ~Baba Dioum
• Indecision is the key to flexibility.
• Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
• Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but he/she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
• IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
• Is it time for your medication or mine?
• It ain't the size, it's ... no, it's the size.
• It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.
• It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first. ~Ronald Reagan
• It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
• It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
• It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
• It is difficult what to say is impossible, for the dream of yesterday is the hope of today and the reality of tomorrow. ~Goddard
• It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
• It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
• It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end. ~Leonardo da Vinci
• It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. ~Judith Martin
• It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
• It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
• It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
• It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office. ~Shirley MacLaine
• It isn't as if there was anything very wonderful about my little corner. Of course for people who like cold, wet, ugly bits it is something rather special. ~Eeyore
• It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. ~Vice President Dan Quayle
• It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
• It still holds true that man is most uniquely human when he turns obstacles into opportunities. ~Eric Hoffer
• It takes more than a house to make a home.
• It's a complex world. I hope you'll learn to make distinctions. A peach is not its fuzz, a toad is not its warts, a person is not his or her crankiness. If we can make distinctions, we can be tolerant, and we can get to the heart of our problems instead of wrestling endlessly with the gross exteriors ... Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won't come in. ~Alan Alda, at his daughter's commencement address
• It's a great pity the right to free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible. ~Author Unknown
• It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
• It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
• It's bad enough being miserable, but it is even worse when everyone else claims to be miserable, too. ~Eeyore
• It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
• It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane. ~June Henderson
• It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
• It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
• It's like I've always said: You can get more with a kind word and a 2 x 4 than you can with just a kind word. ~Marcus Cole: Ceremonies of Light and Darkness (Babylon 5)
• It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
• It's nice to be important, but it's important to be nice.
• It's not how old you are, but how you are old. ~Marie Dressler
• It's not that I'm too old, your music really does suck.
• It's not what the world has to offer, but what you bring to the world. ~Anne of Green Gables
• It's the hardest thing in the world to accept a pinch of success and leave it that way. ~Marlon Brando
• I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there.
• I've put in so many enigmas and puzzles that it will keep the professors busy for centuries arguing over what I meant, and that's the only way of insuring one's mortality. ~James Joyce

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• Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
• Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
• JESUS SAVES ... They Pass It To Gretzky ... He Shoots ... He Scores!
• Joan of Ark heard voices too.
• Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. ~Steven Wright
• Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
• Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
• Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
• Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

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• Keep honking ... I'm reloading.
• Keep thy hook always baited, for a fish lurks even in the most unlikely waters. ~Ovid
• Kids in the backseat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause kids.
• Know thyself. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive. ~Mayes

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• Language is a virus from outer space.
• Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
• Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
• Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone. ~Eli Wilcox Wheeler
• Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
• Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humour.
• Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
• Learn from your parents mistakes--use birth control.
• Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back. ~Will Rogers
• Life is a great big canvas -- throw all the paint you can at it.
• Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
• Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. ~Helen Keller
• Life is just a phase you're going through...you'll get over it.
• Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming -- WOW -- What a Ride!
• Life is short. Break the rules. Forgive Quickly. Kiss slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably. And never regret anything that made you smile.
• Life is too short to be small.
• Life is what happens while you are making other plans. ~John Lennon
• Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.
• Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told: I am with you kid. Let's go. ~Maya Angelou
• Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
• Life is too short to drink bad wine.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• Little drops of water wear down big stones. ~Russian proverb
• Live each day as if your life had just begun. ~Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
• Lonely men seek companionship. Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet.
• Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.
• Lord save me from your followers.
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
• Love comes from blindness, friendship from knowledge. ~Comte de Bussy-Rabutin
• Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
• Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
• Lympth ... to walk with a lisp.

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• Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
• Make it idiot proof and somebody will make a better idiot.
• Man is a dog's idea of what God should be. ~Holbrook Jackson
• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
• Man who stumble over the same rock twice deserve to break neck. ~Chinese Proverb
• Managing senior programmers is like herding cats. ~Dave Platt
• Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. ~Steven Wright
• Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.
• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
• May gold, jewels, and silver never mean a thing to you.
• May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world. ~The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card [Not a beacon of literacy, though.]
• Meandering to a different drummer.
• Meetings: A practical alternative to work.
• Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
• Men are always whining about how we're suffocating them ... Personally, I think if you can hear them whining, you're not pressing hard enough on the pillow.
• Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
• Mental backup in progress -- Do Not Disturb!
• Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
• Mind like a steel trap -- rusty and illegal in 37 states.
• Modulation in all things.
• Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
• Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
• Music ... can name the un-nameable and communicate the unknowable. ~Leonard Bernstein
• Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent. ~Victor Hugo
• My cat has better credit than I do. Hence the car.
• My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money. ~Joe Weinstein
• My gearbox is like a box of chocolates--you never know what you're going to get.
• My good friends, this is the second time in our history that there has come back from Germany to Downing Street peace with honour ... I believe it is peace for our time. ~Neville Chamberlain, Address on return from Munich, September 1938
• My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.
• My husband said it was him or the cat ... I miss him sometimes.
• My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
• My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
• My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim". ~Paula Poundstone
• My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
• My people will sleep for one hundred years ... when they awake, it will be the artists who give them their spirit back. ~Louis Riel
• My pity for those who do not comply will be limited.
• My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. ~Errol Flynn
• My son just came out of the closet and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. (seen at a Gay Pride March)
• My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. ~Christopher Morley
• My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

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• Never accept a drink from a urologist.
• Never allow someone to be your Priority while allowing yourself to be their Option.
• Never give advice. Look at Socrates, a noted Greek philosopher, who went around giving good advice ... and they poisoned him.
• Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be. ~Clementine Padford
• Never miss a good chance to shut up. ~Will Rogers
• No Guts! No Glory!
• No trees were killed in the making of this email, however, a large number of electrons were horribly inconvenienced.
• Nothing in small print is ever good news. ~Andy Rooney
• Nothing is ever invented, only discovered.
• Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
• Nothing is swifter than rumor. ~Horace
• Nothing tells more about the character of a man than the things he makes fun of. ~Johanne Goethe

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• Of course everything has been said that needs to be said--but since no one was listening it has to be said again.
• One small cat changes coming home to an empty house into coming home.

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• Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. ~M. Kathleen Casey
• People are always available for work in the past tense.
• Pet a cat and you'll find a permanent job.
• Plan ahead ... it wasn't raining when Noah built the ark. ~James B. Conant
• Politics has nothing to do with intelligence. ~Ambassador Londo Mollair of Centauri Prime (Babylon 5)
• Procrastination means never having to say you're sorry.
• Promise Big. Deliver Big.
• Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
• Religious people think they will not go to hell. Spiritual people have already been to hell.

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• Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate!
• So many stupid people ... so few comets.
• Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
• Some mornings it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
• Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
• Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on stage singing, some are in the audience as critics and some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.
• Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers. ~taken from an essay by a 5th grader
• Some people have a way with words, and others ... well ... not have way, I guess. ~Steve Martin
• Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well. ~Missy Dizick
• Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
• Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
• Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
• Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. ~Paul Rodriguez
• Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
• Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
• Start every day with a smile and get it over with. ~W.C. Fields
• Statistics are no substitute for judgement. ~Henry Clay
• Steal my identity ... please.
• Straighten up your room first, then the world. ~Jeff Jordan
• Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you were never asleep.
• Stupidity got us into this mess--why can't it get us out?
• Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
• Succeed in spite of management.
• Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
• Success is more attitude than aptitude. ~Author Unknown
• Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.

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• Take my advice. I'm not using it!
• Taking joy in life is a woman's best cosmetic. ~Rosalind Russell
• Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
• Teamwork ... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
• Technology is a way of organizations to give passing hospitality to our friends' opinions. ~Joseph Joubert
• Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
• Tell him you're not his type -- you have a pulse.
• Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
• That lucky rabbit's foot didn't work for the rabbit. ~Benjamin Franklin
• The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
• The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
• The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. ~Andrew A. Rooney
• The bend in the road isn't the end of the road, unless you fail to make the turn.
• The best thing to do behind a person's back is pat it. ~Franklin P. Jones
• The best things in life aren't things.
• The best way to fill time is to waste it.
• The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
• The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
• The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
• The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
• The cheapest facelife is a laugh.
• The childhood memories of every good cook: there's a large kitchen, a warm stove, a simmering pot, and a mom.
• The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.
• The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
• The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.
• The dog's kennel is not the place to keep a sausage. ~Danish Proverb
• The downside of being better than everyone else is that people tend to assume you're pretentious.
• The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.
• The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
• The geek shall inherit the earth.
• The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes. ~Sir Winston Churchill
• The greatest thing in this world is not so much where we are, but in which direction we are moving. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes
• The impossible will be done immediately, miracles take a little longer.
• The internet Age networked House: DAD! My brother's stealing all the bandwidth again!!
• The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
• The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a ‘former boyfriend'.
• The modem is the message.
• The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
• The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
• The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
• The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
• The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
• The only difference between a good day and a bad day is attitude.
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
• The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
• The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.
• The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
• The only way to get rid of a temptation is to eat it.
• The problem with the world is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?
• The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
• The real reason you can't take it with you when you go ... is that it goes before you do.
• The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. ~Anonymous
• The road to a friend's house is never long.
• The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
• The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch. ~Michael Friedman
• The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. ~Steven Wright
• The shortest recorded period of time lies between the minute you put some money away for a rainy day and the unexpected arrival of rain. ~Jane Bryant Quinn
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. ~Steven Wright
• The sun dries, without prejudice, the garments of the rich and the poor.
• The sun, the moon and the stars would have disappeared long ago ... had they happened to be within the reach of the birthday guests.
• The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
• The three great mysteries: air to a bird, water to a fish, mankind to himself. ~Hindu Proverb
• The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.
• The toughest arguments are rarely just about the topic being debated.
• The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
• The trouble with life is there's no background music.
• The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
• The trouble with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.
• The trouble with work is -- it's so daily.
• The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
• The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.
• Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late".
• Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
• There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
• There are 4 seasons in Canada ... June, July, August and Winter.
• There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men -- strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong -- but you could still use them.
• There are some things that money can't buy. Unfortunately good intelligence isn't one of them. ~Steven Wright
• There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Never tell everything you know.
• There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
• There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
• There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
• There is always death and taxes, however, death doesn't get worse every year.
• There is always one more bug.
• There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
• There is no joy greater than soaring high on the wings of your dreams, except maybe the joy of watching a dreamer who has nowhere to land but in the ocean of reality.
• There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as the expectation of tomorrow. ~O.S. Marden
• There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. ~Ben Williams
• There is nothing permanent except change. ~Heraclitus
• There was life before Coronation Street but it didn't amount to much. ~Russel Harty
• There's a crack in everything. That's how the light gets through. ~Leonard Cohen
• There's at least one fool in every married couple.
• There's no place like your homepage.
• There's not a shred of evidence that supports the notion that life is serious.
• They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch ... do it and die".
• This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.
• This is a test of the Emergency .Sig File System. If this had been an actual .sig file, you would have seen a more environmental use of this space.
• This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
• This isn't clutter; these are my antiques!
• Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others. ~Groucho Marx
• Those who lack imagination cannot imagine what is lacking. ~Graffiti-Paris, 1968
• Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. ~Groucho Marx
• Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its students.
• Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
• Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
• Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
• To handle yourself, use your head; To handle others, use your heart.
• To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. ~Aldous Huxley
• To live for some future goal is shallow. It's the sides of the mountain that sustain life not the top.
• To succeed at a birthday party, it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.
• Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
• Today's subliminal thoughts are:
• Too many clicks spoil the browse.
• Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
• True wisdom is the skill to know just when to speak your mind and when to mind your speech.

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• Upcoming MasterCard Commercial: Lockheed F-16 Fighting Falcon: $25 million dollars ... Lockheed F-117 Nighthawk Stealth Bomber: $45 million dollars ... Boeing B-52 Stratofortress: $74 million dollars ... Brand new B-2 Stealth Bomber: $2.1 billion dollars ... A decent map of downtown Belgrade Priceless. For the rest, there's MasterCard, the official card of the 19 member NATO alliance and those who believe that sometimes you just need to blow up shit in order to restore peace. ~Steven Wright
• Use the talents you possess. The woods would be very silent if no birds sang there but those that sang the best.

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• VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
• Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
• Virtual reality is its own reward.

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• Walk with the sun in front of you but behind you when you leave. ~Sophia Seventikidis (a dear friend)
• WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
• Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
• Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
• We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
• We are not human beings going through a temporary spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings going through a temporary human experience.
• We are not primarily on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through.
• We do not weave the web of life, we are just a strand in it. Whatever we do to the web ... we do to ourselves. ~Chief Seattle, Dwamish Tribe, 1854.
• We feel happiness through what we experience not because of what we are.
• We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
• We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality. ~Albert Einstein
• We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.
• We waste time, so you don't have to.
• We're Going To War To Defend People Who Won't Let Women Drive? ~on a lapel button during the Gulf War
• Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts. ~Vice President Dan Quayle
• Well ... if you're going to have delusions, might as well go for the really satisfying ones. ~Marcus Cole: The Summoning (Babylon 5)
• Well, I'm sure we can resolve this in a mature way. Right, Mr. Poopypants? ~Leslie Nielsen
• Well, this day was a total waste of make-up!
• What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is. ~Vice President Dan Quayle
• What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
• What boots up must come down.
• What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
• What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice? ~Steven Wright
• What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about?
• What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies. ~Aristotle
• What is now proved was once only imagin'd. ~William Blake
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• What you leave at your death, let it be without controversy, else the lawyers will be your heirs. ~Osborne
• What you think in the egotism of anger you will pay for in the humiliation of saner moments. ~Crane
• Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distriubted.
• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
• Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought of as half as good. ~Ella Wheeler Wilcox
• Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult. ~Charlotte Whitton
• When a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it. ~Edgar W. Howe
• When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. ~Edward Abbey
• When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
• When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. ~Mae West
• When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, How would the Lone Ranger handle this?
• When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• When he asks you if he's your first, tell him you may be, you look familiar.
• When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong. ~Buckminster Fuller
• When I dare to be powerful--to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid. ~Audre Lorde, February 18, 1934 - November 17, 1992
• When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. ~Steven Wright
• When life gives you scraps, make quilts.
• When life hands you lemons, ask for Tequila and salt and call me.
• When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
• When someone says, "Do you want my opinion?" -- it's always a negative one.
• When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
• When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
• When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
• When trying to rescue friends from a tree, make sure the plan doesn't involve having everybody stand on your back. ~Eeyore
• When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice. ~Marquis de la Grange
• When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt
• When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.
• When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
• When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
• When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? ~Robin Williams
• When you shout 'Is anybody at home?' into a rabbit hole, and a voice answers 'No!' it probably means you're not welcome.
• When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
• When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!
• Whenever a Very Bouncy Animal arrives in the Forest, and you are told that he has just come, the thing you should ask is: 'When is he going?' ~Eeyore
• Whenever God closes one door he always opens another, even though sometimes it's Hell in the hallway.
• Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
• While a smart dog will learn everything that you want it to know, it will also learn everything that it can get away with.
• Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
• Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? ~Groucho Marx
• Who hears music feels his solitude peopled at once. ~Robert Browning
• Who me? I just wander from room to room.
• Who's General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
• Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about little puppies. ~Gene Hill
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an s in it?
• Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
• Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God ... I could be eating a slow learner. ~Lynda Montgomery
• Why don't they just make mouse-flavoured cat food?
• Why don't you write books people can read? ~Nora Joyce to her husband James
• Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton. ~Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King
• Windows will never cease.
• Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. ~Robert A. Heinlein
• Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
• Women like silent men -- they think they're listening.
• Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
• Women who behave rarely make history.
• Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
• Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
• Worry is as useless as sawing sawdust. ~Anonymous
• Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere.
• Worry looks around, sorry looks back, Faith looks up.

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• Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
• Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery. Today is a gift.
• You! Off my planet!
• You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
• You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT!
• You are so important to my days -- and so essential to the smile within me. That certain space where our lives overlap is the place that brings me the most understanding, the most peace, the nicest memories. ~Collin McCarty
• You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
• You can avoid having ulcers by adapting to the situation: if you fall in the mud puddle, check your pockets for fish. ~Anonymous
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
• You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake. ~Jeanette Rankin
• You can safely assume you're creating God in your own image if He hates all the same people you do. ~Anne Lamott
• You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" ~Sean Connery
• You can usually judge the caliber of a man by the size of the things that get his goat. ~Anonymous
• You can't have everything. Where would you put it? ~Steven Wright
• You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
• You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
• You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
• You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
• You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. ~Nora Ephron
• You guys line up alphabetically by height. ~Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
• You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle. ~Bill Peterson
• You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. ~Dr Suess, Oh, the Places You'll Go!
• You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
• You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters? ~Groucho Marx
• You know you're getting old when you stop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. ~Steven Wright
• You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.
• You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you knew how seldom they do. ~Olin Miller
• You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
• You sound reasonable: Time to up my medication.
• You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats. ~Colonial American proverb
• You will never plough a field if you only turn it over in your mind. ~Irish Proverb
• You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
• You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
• You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.
• You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it. ~Groucho Marx
• Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son".
• Your kid may be an honours student, but you're still an idiot.
• Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.

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Excuses for lost books:

• I have lost my Herodotus; I'm afraid it's history.
• Your Principia Mathematica? It's days were numbered.
• I mislaid The Egg and I.
• The Love of a Good Woman is hard to find.
• Being and Nothingness was here a moment ago, but it's disappeared.
• I lent Peyton Place to a friend who is sleeping with a neighbour who gave it to his wife's boss who passed it on to the accountant's mistress who's denying the affair.
• O.K., so I lost Much Ado About Nothing. What's the big deal?
• My best friend talked me out of my copy of Persuasion.
• Orlando's in Florida, I think.
• I don't know where the hell I left Dante's Inferno.
• I had Oliver Twist in my pocket just a moment ago.
• I just put A Brief History of Time down for a moment, and Bang! -- it was gone.

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Dictionary of Useful Research Phrases:

• "It has long been known ..." I didn't look up the original reference.
• "A definite trend is evident ..." These data are practically meaningless.
• "Of great theoretical and practical importance ..." Interesting to me.
• "While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions ..." This was an unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.
• "Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study." The others made no sense.
• "Typical results are shown." The best results are shown.
• "The most reliable results are those obtained by Jones." He was my grad assistant.
• "It is believed that ..." I think.
• "It is generally believed that ..." A couple of other guys think so, too.
• "It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of the phenomenon is possible." I don't understand it.
• "Correct within an order of magnitude." Wrong.
• "It is hoped that this study will stimulate more work in this field." This is a lousy paper, but so are the others in this crummy field.
• "Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experimental work and to George Frink for valuable discussions." Blotz did the work, and Frink explained to me what it meant.
• "A careful analysis of obtainable data ..." Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.
• "A statistically oriented projection of the findings ..." Wild guess.
• "A highly significant area for exploratory study ..." A totally useless topic suggested by my committee.

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Points to Ponder or More Useless Information:

• If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
• Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
• Humans and Dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
• On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
• You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
• The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
• Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
• Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?
• Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
• A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
• Polar bears are left handed.
• The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, more than any other creature on earth.
• The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field.
• A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.
• A cat's urine glows under the blacklight.

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Why I'm so tired!

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 Million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

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In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

• On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
• On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
• On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
• On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
• On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: Do not turn upside down (printed on bottom of the box)
• On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
• On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
• On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
• On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.
• On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children.
• On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
• On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
• On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
• On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
• On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
• On a childs superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

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Last revised: August 23, 2010

"I live where the land meets the sky, where the eagle and the raven fly free" ~Frank Fencepost

"I'm his neighbour" ~Silas Crow

~ From one of my favourite movies "Dance Me Outside".